Please, don’t message me with any of the following:

  • “How are you?”
  • “How have you been?”
  • “Are you feeling better?”

I know you mean well, and I appreciate it, but please understand that I value honesty and integrity, in the name of respect for you and for me.

When you ask such things you are putting me in the position to give you the standard white lie of:

  • I’m fine
  • Dealing
  • Same old

Considering how rare it is for two people to have a genuine conversation of substance, I would much prefer it be one of delight and curiosity, not one weighed down by the ugliness of life. I am flattered that you find me to be someone that you can relate to or trust but please kindly understand that I am much burdened by my own troubles and do not have the capacity to take on that of others.

I appreciate everyone who reaches out to me and I am genuinely touched, but please understand this: my struggles are nearly every minute, every hour, every day: for the rare moments I am able to simply relax and catch up with social media etc, I really don’t wish to spend it on the same issues that torment me for every other moment. Especially when I am to repeat or explain this to multiple people. 

I am not okay, but I am working on it and I am coping.

Please understand:

I do not have the capacity to have to comfort you about you worrying about me… this is fucking ridiculous. The irony of having to comfort those worried about my struggles quickly turns into resenting and dismay. In fact, it is extremely off-putting and infuriates me when I have to explain to you my struggles and then put up with ignorant comments like:

  • You should come out more 
  • You need to be around people
  • It’ll be good for you
  • You shouldn’t be home all the time
  • ____ is bad for you

Tell me, why the fuck should I put up with your scrutiny? Who are you to judge me? I try to be “nice” but really, please, don’t do any of this. I’ve had enough. I will be blocking people without warning in the future.

Please, spare us this tireless ritual. 

On the other hand:

Admitting to struggling is a great sign of progress, in the eyes of self-help, twelve step, and mental health programs worldwide. And to a certain extent, I would agree. But then the deeper problem lies in the cognition behind this:

Acceptance would seem to be the way to move forward, but how is acceptance achieved? When this statement lacks any life force or motivation, and is equivalent to the admittance of defeat and will to surrender… what happens next? 

But “okay” is elusive and  ill-defined, and by reminding myself of this, I can remain in “healthy denial” in that not all hope is lost, and my battle is not over.

I may not be okay, but I will be.

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