06:02. Thank you – be it an accident that landed you here, mm, patron, bentbox, or gossip.

I’m not okay. But that’s ok.

  • I’m willing to admit it, not only to myself but out loud
  • I’m trying to make myself do ”what should be done” instead of stubbornly sticking to my resolve and determination of developing a new system so it speak to replace the expired coping mechanisms.

It’s clique and outright sad, but everytime I finally seem to have regained autonomy and whiskers of control in terms of

  • simply eating, sleeping, and maintaining hygiene of me and the flat
  • Establish routines of adequate self care
  • Gained relative understanding and insight underlying much of the difficulties I divoted my heart and soul to accept and conquer
  • Confronted long tolerated abuse which I was not aware of until I began experiencing episodic and emotional flash backs
  • Took initiative to identify and consciously erectify past patterns of unhealthy attitudes, dysfunctional cognition, self-defeating tendencies and masochistic practice of essentially setting oneself up for failure.
  • I have been “selfish” by putting my spiritual, mental and psychological needs before others. For once in my life, I finally seem to be complete. Yes, I am hollow, hurt, upset, alone, and struggling in ever single aspect of life. But the experiences, thoughts and emotions that were long lost have begun to become accessible again. They don’t feel like mine, it’s like watching a movie in 4D or virtual reality, I can experience the thoughts and emotions – as if visiting someone else’s memories. They are so vivid, and so real. The emotions are so vibrant and mostly overwhelming – considering how unfamiliar they are. It is… Exhilarating, enlightening, and healing. It seems to offer some type of understanding or closure, to fill in the gaps, as though to explain and justify what has, is, and will be. But there stands to be one crucial, ironic mockery, there remains a disconnectiom despite the access and ability to experience the emotions and thoughts, it feels like I’m simply a visitor. None feel like mine. A
  • e this inevitable
  • interpersonal Disappointment, ashamed, defeated. Hollow, some type of emotional abyss. Numb but feel like waiting for.onslaught
  • iss I have has enthusiastic about getting lost in literature for my next assignme :
  • Coming to terms with c-ptsd
  • Although unconventional, they got me here. It was inevitable that this day was to come, but the abrupt collapse and flooding of long subdued trauma and unfamiliar emotions… Are , much more difficult to process, especially due to the unpredictable and seemingly random bouts of flashbacks, mind traps, panic attacks and

7am MARCH 5 2019 INCOMPLETE

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