March 7, 2019

I’m grateful for the stash of instant noodles in my cupboards and the luxury of having a roof over my head with heat, electricity and Internet access – but apart from this all else is falling apart. I am struggling to maintain my fading grasp on will and consciousness.

As of recently :

  1. My agoraphobia has led to problems with visa requirements although my tutor has been very understanding and had not given any warning or hint before I was deemed to have breached the requirement of meeting him despite him saying is ok…
  2. I’ve finally confronted my mother regarding the emotional abuse /incest and trauma she has inflicted and the narcissic abuse.
  3. She had in turn played victim and then white knight and had now blocked me on all forms of communication.
  4. And I am now cut off financially with no means of income as an international student with work restriction
  5. I have a deadline on the 20th which I’m trying to complete with the little time and energy I have left
  6. I need to bring Liam to the vet for his boosters – and I’ve decided to do this with what was meant to be food money for the next week.
  1. All this is adding onto the stress of processing trauma from random unprovoked flashbacks that have become more and more frequent and are triggered by the most mundane things – such as the sound of a car racing by.
  2. My panic attacks are getting worse and Im in a constant state of terror despite there being no logical reason for this.
  3. My doctor has not only dismissed my determination to overcome my struggles to complete my degree by refusing to work with me to formulate a plan or coping mechanism as opposed to patronising and stonewalling me, insisting I get privately institutionalised (from which I’m sure he gets a hefty commission), he has also raised his “review fees”.
  4. Sleeping is terrifying, I am thrown into a panic whenever I finally manage to fall asleep.

I’m trying. I really am. But as of now, I cannot deny my incompetence and impotence so once again I apologise for not deliveting content as much as I would like.

Once again thank you so much for bearing with me, I cannot express my appreciation enough.

If you would like to perhaps buy me dinner to get some meat on these bones I would be more than grateful 🙏🏻 as of now, any help can literally change the world for me, I hate to whine and be pityful but I’ve come to realise I can no longer do this on my own. Thank you, for all your support and encouragement. I’m sorry I have not been able to be as responsive as I would like, but I am determined to get back on track and be here for you when you need me. Right now, I need to pick myself up before I fall face flat into my grave. Love you all.


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