March 7, 2019
I’m grateful for the stash of instant noodles in my cupboards and the luxury of having a roof over my head with heat, electricity and Internet access – but apart from this all else is falling apart. I am struggling to maintain my fading grasp on will and consciousness.
As of recently :
- My agoraphobia has led to problems with visa requirements although my tutor has been very understanding and had not given any warning or hint before I was deemed to have breached the requirement of meeting him despite him saying is ok…
- I’ve finally confronted my mother regarding the emotional abuse /incest and trauma she has inflicted and the narcissic abuse.
- She had in turn played victim and then white knight and had now blocked me on all forms of communication.
- And I am now cut off financially with no means of income as an international student with work restriction
- I have a deadline on the 20th which I’m trying to complete with the little time and energy I have left
- I need to bring Liam to the vet for his boosters – and I’ve decided to do this with what was meant to be food money for the next week.
- All this is adding onto the stress of processing trauma from random unprovoked flashbacks that have become more and more frequent and are triggered by the most mundane things – such as the sound of a car racing by.
- My panic attacks are getting worse and Im in a constant state of terror despite there being no logical reason for this.
- My doctor has not only dismissed my determination to overcome my struggles to complete my degree by refusing to work with me to formulate a plan or coping mechanism as opposed to patronising and stonewalling me, insisting I get privately institutionalised (from which I’m sure he gets a hefty commission), he has also raised his “review fees”.
- Sleeping is terrifying, I am thrown into a panic whenever I finally manage to fall asleep.
I’m trying. I really am. But as of now, I cannot deny my incompetence and impotence so once again I apologise for not deliveting content as much as I would like.
Once again thank you so much for bearing with me, I cannot express my appreciation enough.
If you would like to perhaps buy me dinner to get some meat on these bones I would be more than grateful 🙏🏻 as of now, any help can literally change the world for me, I hate to whine and be pityful but I’ve come to realise I can no longer do this on my own. Thank you, for all your support and encouragement. I’m sorry I have not been able to be as responsive as I would like, but I am determined to get back on track and be here for you when you need me. Right now, I need to pick myself up before I fall face flat into my grave. Love you all.