And I have still been experiencing depersonalisation and derealisation. Funnily enough, things actually become more intense and vivid sporadically. Colours are of higher lucidity and edges are sharper and not as flat as the prior envisioned perceptions that were almost 2d. However the blanket of fear remains the constant between the two, it presses jutting my bent elbows into the hollows between my ribs, shrinks borrowing my chin into what remains of my shrunken neck. Movement is thought of over again and again, precisely planned to minimise the spread of the movement required. To avoid drawing attention to once again be invisible, moving quickly & swiftly – without doubt but first I must overpower this stoic immobility, this deathhold of fear, this spell of turningintostone/ice that has been cast over me. I’ve been trapped within.

This is not a panic attack. Nor does it seem to be fear. But at the same time it resembles fear. My legs are trembling and my heart is vibrating – the beats have blended into a rhythm which feel like slow beats dragged out but really they are groups of racing beats. I dare not move. I want to hide and cower into whatever surface or comfort I can. I’m losing my the ability to convey my thoughts properly? My thought streams and channels are jumbling together… fuck.

It pisses me off when I can’t even English.


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