May 27, 2019: I don’t know why it took so long for me to let this go, (I can probably blabber on again if I start) but I’d just like to apologise for any terrible grammar etc, I’ve decided to stop scrutinising and just finally post this.


I write. I write, I write – and then I get distracted. Or, I actually manage to “unload” all that was to be. And then, “I’ll proofread/finalise next time….”

Sometimes next time never comes. It’s mostly cause I myself cannot bear to be confronted with whatever idiocracy I had managed to spew.

I share this in the same manner that a friend would share a story about tripping over their own feet. A joke. No malicious intent. Don’t take it too seriously.


May 7 2019

Some of you may be aware of a recent(?) “conflict” to which I had reacted rashly: overwhelmed, hurt and confused, I did what I imagine is not an uncommon practice, I posted a screenshot on Instagram stories with a snarky(?) remark.

 

 

(Not before attempting to reach some sort of ?resolve? And instead being met with more insults etc when I approached the individual in private in a neutral manner)

 

I was bemused, dumbfounded, and utterly stupefied. It would seem that this state of bafflement had not only left me speechless – it had left me void of rational thought – utterly senseless... and my first reaction was to share the almost comic-like depiction of the savagery that seemed a decade past its prime, an unintentional replica of outdated linguistic manners characteristic of 11-year-olds who hazed and bullied joyfully behind the supposed safety of led screens via their newly broken-in hunting ground: Facebook.

However, this wasn’t just the internet; and nor was it a comic. It was a friend of 10 years, and it was real. I was doubtful and perhaps in naive denial, instinctively reasoning on her behalf. I tried to rationalise the incident: perhaps the account was hacked, perhaps she had been going through a tough time, or perhaps it was simply deep rooted resent and animosity I had simply failed to have accepted in the past.

Regardless of the details, I am strongly convinced that such aggressive and spiteful behaviour does not simply spontaneously occur. Even in the case of mental illness or substance dependency/abuse, most likely than not, unprovoked acts of antagonism are the outbursts of long repressed or disregarded turmoil.

I remain convinced that she is/was suffering and that this, alongside whatever has happened in the 4 years since we have been in contact, were the major culprits which drove her to lash out at me – and countless others at seemingly random moments ( I was later made aware of this when these others had reached out to me) the messages last received and sent were dated 2015. But at the end of the day, I hope she’s ok. I can’t help but wonder as my heart aches at the mere attempt to consider what heinous act(s) she had been subjected to to be filled with so much rage.

Shortly after I apologised for the immature reaction and kindly requested others not to take it as a cue to attack or otherwise demonise her.

Then I did something I have been vigilantly practicing – I put myself first. Since all signs indicate that it is extremely unlikely to be able to understand or help her or the situation, I did the supposed adult thing to do: I blocked her as I honestly did not have any emotional energy to spare and I wasn’t going to knowingly stay in a situation that is unlikely to be pleasant. Tbh, it felt pretty fucking amazing. To be able to walk away and minimise the potentially detrimental damage I was knowingly incapable of handling.


I originally decided not to pursue the matter, but later stumbled upon it? Or another? I think I deleted the ones before. But I will no longer simply let it pass, especially when those I care about are involved.

 

  • Ok. So I wasn’t as rational as I would have liked to recall, but I would like to think I was still relatively polite.

I came to the realisation that there was no rationalising with her, nor was there any valid purpose in justifying my own experiences to someone who had become more distant than a stranger and stopped denying the truth: she was suffering and I was not obliged to be her punching bag, and she was very vocal about it. This, when added to my present circumstances and newly gained sense of self-care(?) led to the deduction that attempts to understand or console her would be more than hilarious and foolish when even simple conversation was… difficult. I had less than enough energy to devote to such a task when I myself had been occupied. I blocked her on both Facebook and Instagram, after which I hid the comments and messages. The messages went along the lines of something like this:

*After coming to realise I had not been as neutral as I had thought, I did attempt to make amends.

Screenshot 2019-05-12 at 04.45.08

It seems almost natural to feel the need to defend or justify ourselves when we perceive our values or opinions to be under attack but most often than not doing so simply feeds into animosity that snowballs. Hate and spite that are unprovoked and unwarranted seem to be almost blatant means in which Displacement or Projection is manifested 2 of the 8 defence mechanisms (Click here for an interesting empirical….) proposed by Sigmund Freud who is infamous for the often deemed ludicrous Oedipus Complex and notorious (in some circles) for his fondness of certain white substances. Regardless of his personal indulgences and the questionable Phallic Stage the defence mechanisms proposed by the alleged “Father of Psychology”, whose contributions remain heavily debated, still hold some respect and value.

 


I would like to think that acts of hate, spite and violence especially the unprovoked and seemingly spontaneous are most often than not a means of coping. Mental health and depression bloggers: keep this in mind the next time you receive comments or messages of such nature. To feel overwhelmed, hurt or confused is understandable, but remember not to give anyone the power to invalidate your struggles. They are yours alone as are your experiences, emotions and thoughts none of which you are obliged to justify or explain. It is not pleasant to be scrutinised by strangers or closed ones especially when the matter is of such intimate and sensitive nature but always remember you have the power to chose what to share and you do not need to justify what you feel.

Confrontation does not have to be crass and public, and nor is it a sign of immaturity. If possible, approach the subject in a neutral manner and perhaps consider their point of view perhaps it was a misunderstanding. But only do this if you are confident that social conflict, backlash or aggressive behaviour will not affect your emotional stability. If it will simply chose to ignore the individual. Giving them a chance to explain themselves is a gesture of respect despite their unacceptable behaviour. More often than not it will not be a means to “peace”, however, some individuals may be less inclined to be defensive and aggressive when approached under discretion as opposed to in the eye of the public. Sadly, in most scenarios, the most appropriate measure would be to delete, report and block. In the perfect world, conflicts may be resolved through peaceful means of communications, but this is 2019 and we are on earth.

It would seem that the “mature” thing to do would be to simply delete, report, and block but this would be a form of suppression, {}. How then, are we supposed to “keep in touch with ourselves” and “embrace our feelings” without bursting into a ball of tears or becoming a piece in the domino of unprovoked assault? Of the 8 defence mechanisms proposed by Freud it would seem that sublimation would be the least maladaptive and more rational coping strategy to adopt. Write, draw, paint, create channel the negative energy into Art and allow your emotions to be expressed freely without the fear of judgment. Or exercise! Physically expend the frustration and confusion of being hurt, through means of sports. Or, realistically, call someone a support line or a friend and cry your lungs out and/or rant for 3 hours; (try to) obliterate noobs on League of Legends; write a whiny journal article; or have some pseudo-make-up sex.

By refusing to pass on the negative energy, you are taking control of not only the situation but also your emotions. You are choosing to be responsible for your actions and the possible effects they may have on others. This is where the magic happens. Your bruised ego will be reimbursed: you’re the bigger man.

Jokes aside, I would like to believe that these individuals are not as vicious as they may portray themselves to be. In fact, they may very well be victims of heinous incidents themselves what cruelty must they have endured to lash out at others? It is not uncommon for feelings of helplessness to be a source of frustration one that ultimately becomes rage and aggression. Don’t become another link in the chain break the cycle. DON’T FEED THE TROLLS! (Jk, in all seriousness, try to reach out and offer compassion and support; at the end of the day, they may need it the most)

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Disclaimer

Screenshot 2019-05-12 at 04.36.25

Once sent or posted, all rights to confidentiality all ruled null.

Remember this the next time you question the nature of your content.

If anything, remember this the next time you are under duress or otherwise stress:

DO NOT REACH FOR YOUR PHONE OR LOG ONTO SOCIAL MEDIA

Take a deep breath.

In your mind, let there be two words:

Inhale, Exhale.

Let them become the only thoughts.

Inhale, Exhale.

Let them match to the rhythm of your breathing.

And then you can (try to) approach the situation with a (hopefully) less emotionally-clouded and slightly more rational attitude, (hopefully) less or completely not affected by the blinding irrationality that is emotion. It can and will cloud your judgment to a certain extent, and the duration of this varies – regardless of whether we acknowledge it. You can tell yourself you are unflustered but your true emotions will still eventually (20 years? 40?) refuse to be silenced. Very much like how I was not able to see the unnecessarily harsh and crude tone my messages wore.

HOWEVER: before you decide to share that stupid text or mean comment as a means to seek support, consider how immature, stupid, whiny and attention-seeking (I think it’s gonna be one of these at least) I seem before you do so. We’ve already lost a lot of what used to be considered socialising (and it was already considered to be deteriorating): the conversation has already been through several transformations and from face to face sincere exchanges have mostly been replaced by electronic emojis and electronically transmitted messages. (Granted, the continual advancement of such technology is indeed beneficial to long-distance communications etc…) Adults, teenagers and children alike are already increasingly self-conscious enough as it is. This form of “permanence”, once clearly recognised for its immense potential and the implications of having to be responsible for every message and post — regardless of how “smashed” or “wasted” you were, or how you couldn’t see the screen clearly through your tears: the distance between people will yet again expand — and in its absence a hollow cavity will remain. The ever-widening distance that complicates hearty conversation and paints true connection as troublesome and unrewarding is uniquely qualified to breed and nurture feelings of loneliness and estrangement, along with the increasingly accessible and misleading information that quickly become mainstream misconceptions before the word “uncontainable” can be uttered….[to explore this here is not a rational decision… (ie I know I know,  I’m trying to wrap up and stfu)], the prospects for mental health are but grim, and this will be the death of us. As loyalty and trust become urban legends and love is but a fantasy… through all that remains, we will perish. 01:39


 

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