22; Psychology BSc final year student, Amateur Blogger,
Content Creator & Occasional Glamour & Editorial Model
I write about my journey of ups and downs in the quest to establish, develop and fine-tune healthy coping mechanisms to cope with various psychiatric and physiological ailments – lingering impediments of emotional, psychological, sexual, and narcissistic abuse on this blog.
I had lived, for as long as I can remember, with what can be best described as a series of depressive and manic episodes (clinical est January, 2013). The most recent “major” depressive episodes “peaked”, or rather, “hit rock-bottom” around March 2013, February 2018 & November 2018. (as far as I can recall)
It is now March 30, 2019. Yet the aftermath of the incidents leading to or exacerbating the latter two, alongside a rather traumatic relationship. The last of which resulted in what appears to be agoraphobia – I have not attended a social gathering since about November 2018. Amidst all this, I am also coming to terms with newly resurfaced memories that suggest narcissistic and emotional abuse in addition to other experiences that seem to indicate trauma or c-PTSD.
I am doing my best to confront and make peace with these conflicts. I’m doing what I can, but it seems for every step I take, I fall back two. Upon confronting my mother after I finally came to terms with her “true” nature, she proceeded to block me. Not only was I outright abandoned, I was stripped of even the right to forgive. I am doing what I can to make peace with this, I will no longer go out of my way to cushion her “paper heart”, nor will I forget the ways this woman used me as an arbitrary facade and means to delude herself, away from the issues she deluded herself into believing she had escaped – all in the name of being the self sacrificing, 偉大 (mighty) mother.As I write this, my heart pounds erratically whilst I shiver/tremble and begin to feel my limbs turn to stone and my brain shut down. This is evident in my writing, I believe. I can’t think properly or express myself to the extent I would like. I need a break, I will resume this in the future. 01:38 03/29.
Despite not going out, living expenses have to become a source of worry day and night – and I have been learning to produce mild/implied erotic style photos in hopes of subsidising my journey in the least invasive manner whilst I gather and recalibrate myself. I do hope to continue to do more editorial/glamour modelling once I overcome the agoraphobia, anxiety and general dysfunction… Until then I will be releasing past shoots alongside new self-produced content.
I won’t/can’t carry the bubbly and sociable and friendly voice of the typical popular instagirl or similar, I have enough voices as it is. I apologise in advance for how far I can steer away from positive but to be blunt, this journal is for me. It is a means for me to record and perhaps recall my experiences before they are once again lost to me.
I am not selling you a tale of novel adventure, nor am I promising some marvellous feat of great deeds. What I offer is not some woeful tale of despair nor do I wish to paint you an image of pain so vivid it will remain scarred into your mind’s due, forever haunting.
What I am offering is for you to join me as I scramble to gather, rediscover, and reconstruct the dissociated and fragmented bits and pieces that make up the shattered puzzle that is my life as I know it.
Will you accompany me upon this treacherous endeavour?
Patrons can gain access to gated content which is tiered based on how personal they are. The lowest tier is borderline facebook-friendly, the highest tier is “tell no one, show no one.”
Think of it like how you would share your personal content in real life. Like: my dad would be upset if this was public.
Of course, you can also browse my galleries and ignore my babbling. The choice is yours ~
Thank you for being so patient with me whilst I figure all this out. Your support means more to me than you might think, not only are you keep meat on these bones, you’re also contributing to my son, Liam.
Apart from my estranged father and Liam, you are all that I have left. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you.