This page has not been updated since June 20.
I am on official hiatus as of August 18, 2019
All sentiments, thoughts and ideas expressed may no longer be held. View this as a diary of the past, perished cognitions and emotions captured in words. As of this moment, if I were to read any of these contents, it is as though reading the words of another for the first time. I have little to no recollection of these words nor the feelings that formed them.
I hope you enjoy this/these sentiments and stories nonetheless.
This is the documentary of a 23-year-old girls’ struggle to overcome previously unattended/disregarded trauma and abuse, triggered by seemingly spontaneously manifested waves of flashbacks, followed by a tsunami [November, 2018] of vivid and traumatic years of memories that hit without warning one devastating night in the form of a “dream”, or rather, a “nightmare”.
This was amidst a haze of manic and depressive episodes, in which the determination to regain control and the decision to forgo the facade of emotional numbness that was self-convinced (yet aware) eventually led to the realisation of various forms of abuse and trauma that had not been attended to.
Alongside accounts of previously lost chapters of her life, this journal entails her efforts to, based upon unprovoked and unpredictable flashbacks, to piece together a picture of the life she had supposedly lived.
The sudden realisation and recollection of the overwhelming “truth” took place amidst a manic depressive episode following a series of depressive episodes, narcissistic abuse and codependency, all of which were previously disregarded and deemed to be insignificant.
The intense and unavoidable manner in which the tsunami of foreign memories and unfamiliar thoughts brought upon a wave of unfamiliar, morbid and outright petrifying emotions of unexperienced intensity.
As a graduate of BSc Psychology, she vigorously sought an explanation to understand the symptoms of did, bpd, bdd, & c-ptsd that she was experiencing, in the hopes of “fixing” herself. All the while questioning her every thought and struggling to accept the notion of being mentally ill, disgraced by her own dysfunction and lost in self-loathe.
Not only is it arrogant, cocky and pompous,
Self-diagnosis and self-medication are foolish and relentless.
Please do not venture into the dangerous unknown alone.