It is now April 10, 2019. I am trying to be resilient in this poorly timed, long overdue mission to wake up from blissful denial and return to reality. It has been difficult, to say the least. I have been experiencing, or becoming aware of, more and more time loss and dissociative states. What I’m struggling with the most is what resembles what D.I.D. diagnosis refers to as “alterations” or “co-consciousness”…
It is now March 30, 2019. Yet the aftermath, alongside numerous traumatic relationships have resulted in what appears to be agoraphobia – I have not attended a social gathering since about November 2018. Amidst all this, I am also coming to terms with newly resurfaced memories that suggest narcissistic and emotional abuse in addition to other experiences that seem to indicate trauma or c-PTSD.
March 7, 2019: I’m grateful for the stash of instant noodles in my cupboards and the luxury of having a roof over my head with heat, electricity and Internet access – but apart from this all else is falling apart. I am struggling to maintain my fading grasp on will and consciousness.
As of recently :
- My agoraphobia has led to problems with visa requirements although my tutor has been very understanding and had not given any warning or hint before I was deemed to have breached the requirement of meeting him despite him saying is ok…
- I’ve finally confronted my mother regarding the emotional abuse /incest and trauma she has inflicted and the narcissic abuse.
- She had in turn played victim and then white knight and had now blocked me on all forms of communication.
- And I am now cut off financially with no means of income as an international student with work restriction
- I have a deadline on the 20th which I’m trying to complete with the little time and energy I have left
turns out I didn’t need to do this assignment …
- 6. I need to bring Liam to the vet for his boosters – and I’ve decided to do this with what was meant to be food money for the next week.
BB will always come first. I’m a hoarder, I’ll survive a zombie apocalypse for at least 1-2 months if I’m still eating as much as I do now.
- All this is adding onto the stress of processing trauma from random unprovoked flashbacks that have become more and more frequent and are triggered by the most mundane things – such as the sound of a car racing by.
- The increase in time loss and various ways of thought and behaviour in diary logs are eerily resemblant, if not, replicant of symptoms characteristic of disorders such as of recent life logs are becoming very convincing that they are not so- that these are the manifestations of
- My panic attacks are getting worse and Im in a constant state of terror despite there being no logical reason for this.
- My doctor has not only dismissed my determination to overcome my struggles to complete my degree by refusing to work with me to formulate a plan or coping mechanism as opposed to patronising and stonewalling me, insisting I get privately institutionalised (from which I’m sure he gets a hefty commission), he has also raised his “review fees”.
- Sleeping is terrifying, I am thrown into a panic whenever I finally manage to fall asleep.
I’m trying. I really am. But as of now, I cannot deny my incompetence and impotence so once again I apologise for not deliveting content as much as I would like.
Once again thank you so much for bearing with me, I cannot express my appreciation enough.
If you would like to perhaps buy me dinner to get some meat on these bones I would be more than grateful 🙏🏻 as of now, any help can literally change the world for me, I hate to whine and be pityful but I’ve come to realise I can no longer do this on my own. Thank you, for all your support and encouragement. I’m sorry I have not been able to be as responsive as I would like, but I am determined to get back on track and be here for you when you need me. Right now, I need to pick myself up before I fall face flat into my grave. Love you all.